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Tuesday, 13 October 2009
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Winds of Change~~~
Hello fellow xanga warriors~~I needed to come back to my place of journaling and finish this chapter that I wrote in June.
My beloved ex husband passed away on September 11th from the cancer~He died at 9:11 a.m.~very significant and meaningful to me for sure as God had spoken to me that this day was coming but I still was not able to bear it well. He died a painful death which I could not be at because of his wife who was there and fearful of him and I being together, she knew he loved me still. My sister-in-law took me to see him the day before he died and she was not there~~God made that time for me~~and him. He was heavily sedated due to the tumor that had gone into his brain and caused horrendous pain the days before that. He held fast to the belief that God was going to heal him and did not want to be at the hospice place so he had to be wrested down and sedated~~this saddened me very much.
I wept hard as I walked in to that room and saw his body lay limp and lifeless~~my hand held his and massaged his foot, arm, back and hair while my tear fell in torrents on him~~he never flinched. I wanted him to open his eyes and tell me how sorry he was for the mean treatment and unkind words~~he could not~drugs kept him pain free for the moment and his lips silent. I spoke softly in his ear that I was there for him~~Hosayana he called me~~I whispered how much I loved him and always would, that I prayed he forgave me for all the hurtful times we had and that I forgave him~~how much I loved him, always would and that I would see him again~~that he was an eagle and could fly and needed to~~the same thing him and I spoke to my dying mother 6 years ago. I changed his towel on his forehead and stroked his soft Aztec skin and hair while his sister got it wet again. Then I sat in the chair with my mother in law ~~hand on her leg and the other one holding his lifeless, warm hand. Our former pastor came and ministered greatly in a circle of love and prayer~~he wept as he leaned over to say good bye to Hasus (Jesus).
An hour and a half later sister in law told me it was time to leave~~wife was coming~~I felt sick and nauseated for I now had to leave the very moment I had feared too many times when we were together~~in each others arms~~too many times. At his bedside too many times~~in the ER~~doctor saying he was not going to make it~~but did. False labor and more times at the hospital with family coming to say good bye ~~yet he made it through for 5 years. Now, it really is happening and I have to leave? No!!! Everything inside me was screaming~~I loved him~he loved me~~I told his niece~~she nodded with tears~~I know. Tearful kisses of good bye all over his face~~hugs and sobs as I hug him and his sisters and mom good bye~~too much pain~~grace of God carry me. "Farewell my Aztec prince~~The dream you had 2 years ago about going to the tropical paradise is flooding my memories and escorting me to the door~~Wait! just one more kiss? ~~No~~must walk out the door~~Walk on Child of God~~the song permeates my being~~then another~~I am a minstrel~~music carries me through~~a song we both loved by Broken Walls~~Warrior, c'mon ride the wind~~~Words to the movie "Last of the Mohicans" begins to echo in my heart and ears as I walk through the door of no return~~"You stay here!~~I must go on"~~Oh Lord, how could I have not known?~~but I did~~I knew in my spirit that all of those things meant something~~Watching the Titanic in our room one night after channel surfing and finding movies where one of the leading characters die~~ and I cried~~he said~~"honey, you would think I 'm going to die the way you are crying and looking at me"~~yes, I knew~~~~~
I have the papers that he never wanted his family and friends to know about that diagnosed him as schizoid and chronically angry and sad. Thus the reason we could not live together but one year of our marriage and stayed separated for 3 1/2 years after that until our divorce that he filed, I think he was bi polar, too. Wounded and weary~~he fought those demons for a long time~~Now he is home, healed and whole.
My limp is even more pronounced now~~Some days I barely can walk~~but most do no know because it is inward. Like the rare white bellied eagle that he and I spoke of and felt that we were~~they mated for life and were very lonely without it's mate. Finding another one is difficult and can be a long wait~~He whispers in the wind to me~~"go on~~ standing tall with fists~~go on. Go and do the work that you and I were called to do~~I had too much baggage and brought it too far~~go on and finish what we started~~don't miss me too much~~I am not thinking of earth and dance a new victory dance~~no longer the one of war and battle~~go on my brave one."
I have plucked out my feathers and do not fly much these days~~I wait for the end~~too~~been scratching in the dirt these days~~feel like a failure~~ a chicken maybe?~~ But, I remember the rest of the story~~the eagle grows new feathers and is surprised to find that she can fly even better and higher~~into the sun and wind~~unaware of where she is going but with a new found strength~~she flies once again and perhaps will write the next chapter of the book "Embracing the Fawn". ~~Isaiah 41:31~~ "They that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint."
In memory of you my beloved Aztec warrior prince~~~
Tuesday, 02 June 2009
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Here it is June 2009 already and I look back to the day I started xanga and wonder where the time went? The seasons of my life have changed so much since I started this journey, a second divorce from my teenage sweetheart and father of my four children.... a marriage to the one who I thought would be my forever mate....banished from my church for adultery.... the death of my mother.... a daughter who cuts and her and her two children homeless....a hysterectomy....two sisters and a brother disown me for 5 long years....a daughter distances herself from me..... a skull fracture accident with my son..... a near death saga for my two year old granddaughter.... former worship leader dies suddenly....another worship partner dies from cancer....another worship comrade dies in a sudden motorcycle accident.... a cancer diagnosis for my husband.... a near death brush for my husband.....I move with my son to 6 different places, two of those are each of my grown children's basements..... more near death days for my husband....separation from my husband, again..... and again....my sickness.......more sickness.....disability for me since my back is messed up and I have fibromyalgia..... best friend dies from a rare disease.....grief.....counseling....more counseling.....abuse..... an angry,bi polar husband who refuses help..... a fallen pastor.....another divorce that I did not want....a broken and bleeding heart....grief....former pastor who banished me from church for adultery falls into adultery, goes through divorce and marries his secretary....grief....maybe there is more but it is enough..........whoever said the Christian life is no more suffering? Scripture tells us that there are many afflictions for the righteous and some of this was my own "afflicting"....like David...I strayed...NOW I WILL TESTIFY.....Jesus is FAITHFUL and I am not....but here is His grace and mercy....my granddaughter was healed.....my son was healed....the sun still rises and satan has not won....I walk with a limp....
my heart is healing...I walk with a limp....my soul is healing.....I walk with a limp....my body is healing...I walk with a limp...I have an apartment for my son and I....I walk with a limp....my sisters and brother now speak to me again....my mother lives on in heaven and in me...I walk with a limp....I forgive me ex husbands daily...I walk with a limp....my daughter was delivered and bought her own home....I have 9 wonderful grandchildren....I eat heathy and feel much better....my former church restored me to themselves and I had healthy closure with the church.....my other former pastor went to jail and was broken which is restoring him to God....I walk with a limp....I have a new grandbaby coming.....I am learning to lean....I walk with a limp....I am ministering to hurting women...I walk with a limp....I am writing and making money at it, hopeful to get off disability....I have HOPE....after losing ALL hope....I walk with a limp....Jesus came to me in the night while I wept....I am NOT alone....I walk with a limp.... I can sing again....HE WALKS WITH ME....with my limp and HIS scars.....Bless His Holy Name...... I went up to the mountain.....because He asked me to......http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gl4HjwQ77XM.
God Bless all my xanga friends......
http://www.ehow.com/members/jseven.html?view=3rd
Wednesday, 04 March 2009
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Thinking of my xanga friends
I have been busy writing a lot these days but I am really missing talking to my friends here and pray you are all doing okay?
While writing this article last night on Easter flowers, I felt the sweet presence of the Lord and His never changing love, so glad to have Him in my life.
Spring is in the air and hopefully a new beginning for many of us that have suffered loss...
My faith in God has held me through this "dark night of my soul" and I can truly say, He is faithful.. God bless all of you..
http://www.ehow.com/how_4824494_significance-of-easter-flowers.html
Wednesday, 05 November 2008
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Where's the salt? Wake up call...
We must all take personal inventory of our spiritual lives now as our nation has embraced a new president with socialist views. It has been said "So goes the church so goes the world".... what we do in our private lives will reflect in our churches then cities, then our nation, then our world.
Matthew 5:13-16. "You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled by men. You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven."
“When society goes bad, we Christians tend to throw our hands up in pious horror and criticize the non-Christian world. But should we not criticize ourselves instead? One can hardly blame unsalted meat for going bad. It cannot do anything else. The real question should be, where is the salt?”
Keith Green, a sold out Jesus follower of the 70s sang it right:Asleep In The Light
Do you see, do you see, all the people sinking down,
Don't you care, don't you care, are you gonna let them drown,
How can you be so numb, not to care if they come,
You close your eyes and pretend the job's done.
Oh Bless me Lord, bless me Lord, you know it's all I ever hear,
No one aches, no one hurts, no one even sheds one tear,
But He cries, He weeps, He bleeds, and He cares for your needs,
And you just lay back and keep soaking it in, oh, can't you see it's such sin?
Cause He brings people to your door,
And you turn them away, as you smile and say,
God bless you, be at peace, and all Heaven just weeps,
Cause Jesus came to your door, you've left Him out on the streets.
Open up, open up, and give yourself away,
You've seen the need, you hear the cry, so how can you delay,
God's calling and you're the one, but like Jonah you run,
He's told you to speak, but you keep holding it in,
Oh, can't you see it's such sin?
The world is sleeping in the dark,
That the church can't fight, cause it's asleep in the light,
How can you be so dead, when you've been so well fed,
Jesus rose from the grave, and you, you can't even get out of bed,
Oh, Jesus rose from the dead, come on, get out of your bed.
How can you be so numb, not to care if they come,
You close your eyes and pretend the job's done,
You close your eyes and pretend the job's done,
Don't close your eyes, don't pretend the job's done.
Come away, come away, come away with Me, My love,
Come away, from this mess, come away with Me, My love.
Monday, 03 November 2008
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America, America, God shed His grace on thee..
My friend sent this out and I am sharing it with you, we all must stand before God someday, please pray before voting.....Brothers and Sisters...
Can you be both Pro-Obama and Christian?
What does it mean to be a Christian? The term is so used and mis-used in our society! Our actions speak louder than words - you simply cannot tell the wheat between the tares! The term actually means “Anointed,” Christ-like, and followers of Jesus. Jesus said that “if we follow Him and Love Him we would hate what He hates and love what He loves” ”…and we would obey His commands.”
With the seriousness of the elections next week, I would like to raise a question that may seem harsh…and may sound down on “Christians.” Please don’t take it personal, but as a loving wake up call. "Iron sharpens iron." We have all made mistakes, “for they know not what they do”…
God will forgive us… “IF we humble ourselves, repent, turn from our wicked ways, and pray.”
I believe the state our nation is in, the economic crisis, the disasters, are all a result of, the complacent, confused, and compromised church! Described in the Bible; “as having the appearance of godliness, but deny the power thereof,” and “lukewarm.” We have lost the Fear of the Lord, which is the beginning of Wisdom, and have fallen away from a Holy and Righteous God, who calls “us Christians” to be Holy as He is.
Over the past 40 years, we have continually pushed Him out of our schools, public places, policies and laws and it has created a downhill spiral. We have closed our eyes and allowed other “issues” to rise higher and more important than the Word of God, (which this country was founded on!) We have done our own thing, for the sake of ourselves, and want God to get behind us.
We are in the last days…There is a shaking…God, who loves to give good things, will no longer blink at our disobedience, we can already see that He is turning His face away and removing Himself from America.
I first want to say I am neither Republican nor Democrat…I am a Christian… Neither Obama nor McCain will be able to pull America out of its struggles….only God. But, He has given us the privilege in America to VOTE.
Does God even recognize what we call “Christianity” today in America? We have compromised our values, our morals and compromised what we “stand for.”
Make no mistake, Your VOTE is what you STAND for…(or against) You will be accountable to God for your VOTE.
I have serious concerns as I listen to other “Christians” say as to what issues are important to them for these elections. Yet, they overlook and ignore the Critical Biblical Truths wavering on the ballot to satisfy their pocketbooks in hopes for a better economy, healthcare, and social security, etc! Jesus said; “ you cannot serve both Mammon and God…you must choose.”
The real “Eternal Issues” here are the things that are clearly in opposition to the Word of God…and the candidates (Obama/Biden) who are in supportive and standing on them. (Especially Abortion, Gay Marriage, Stem cell research, just to name a few.) His election would be devastating to the American Family.
There is a clear line drawn in the sand…This election is about Compromise.
I cannot keep silent…the alarm is going off…wake up….the time is now to make a stand for Righteousness and be counted. This election will shape the next 40 years! As a Christian, I simply cannot vote for Obama/ Biden… I will vote for McCain/Palen as they stand in support of foundational Christian beliefs.
God has given us a remedy to our national crisis and Issues….2 Chronicles 7:14…
You say “God Bless America”…(how can He?)
My prayer is:
God SAVE America! Let there be a Holy Reverence to your Word, Oh God, that returns righteousness to our nation. Help us to VOTE for leaders who STAND for Your Righteous laws. Help us God, you are our only Hope. The “Change” we need in this Nation is not the ‘change of Obama,” it is Mercy and Repentance back to you! Let us not be an “Obama”nation before your throne that results in desolation. May America be found worthy to receive your Blessings again!
Are you truly HIS People? A Christian? Christ-likeness? Then, look to see what side of the line in the sand you’re “really” standing! It is sinking sand! Cross over while you can!
In Christ,
Deb Null
GraceFlyer
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- Name: Graceflyer
- Gender: Female
- Member Since: 1/5/2003
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About Me
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I love Jesus. I have been broken of thinking that I know anything when I really know nothing. The hardest thing is to die when you are still alive. In Christ is to die daily and to know Him crucified. Everything that was once easy to figure out is gone out the window and He has "messed with my mess" I am a mom, grandma and burden bearing, mercy giving, life loving, God chasing desperado that despises "the church fix". God forbid that I chase the "fix" any longer and now let me be the church and go to the mame, lame, halt and blind, repairing the breach and streets to dwell in. Bring the revolution mighty warriors on the wings of your brokenness and smell the sweet fragrance of crushed flowers.
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